Losing Yourself
by LaughingWolfGirl
Summary: *complete* This is about Squall who finds himself contemplating his life after the Sorceress war and thinks of another. Slight Squall+Seifer, it's still Yaoi (male/male) so if you don't like..don't read. Thank you.


LOSING YOURSELF  
  
Dedication: This is my very first songfic and I give it to BlackRose, who inspires with her art and stories and even helps fellow writers out with links. *grin* Thank you Ms. BlackRose, you're an inspiration to us all.  
  
Pairings: none really, though Seifer and Squall wish it were different.  
  
Author: LaughingWolfGirl  
  
Warnings: Language,  
  
Rating: PG:13 'Cause of language  
  
Summery: Squall contemplates his life after the war is over and finds himself constantly thinking of Seifer Almasy.  
  
A.N. As I said earlier, this is my first attempt at a Songfic, so let me know what you think, and how I did *shameless begging* I sat up one night and began to write this at 1:30 in the morning and didn't finish it till 4:30. I had the song on repeat over and over as I wrote this, and you know the funny thing about that, it's still one my favorite Goo Goo dolls songs.  
  
Disclaimer. Yeah yeah...the usual don't own nothin' not the characters the places not even the song...yada yada…Square owns the people and places and the Goo Goo Dolls own the song called "Name". So don't sue…because I ain't got nothin' you want…trust me on this *grin*.  
  
~ denotes the song lyrics, though I'm sure you probably could have guessed that on your own. ~  
  
~And even though the moment passed me by~  
  
~I still can't turn away ~  
  
~'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose~  
  
~Got tossed along the way ~  
  
~And letters that you never meant to send~  
  
~Get lost or thrown away~  
  
As Squall sat at his desk he thought of Seifer, it had been nearly a year since the battle with Ultimecia and no one had heard from the scarred blonde, there had been reports of sightings, but by the time anyone had gone to find out, there was nothing, not even any proof that it had been the Sorceress Knight.  
  
He couldn't stop himself from thinking of his Rival, he thought of him constantly wanting to know what had happened to him, to know that he was alive, though some gut instinct told him that he was.  
  
Shortly after that last battle seeing Seifer on his knees had hurt him, though at the time he hadn't realized it, it wasn't until much later that he had figured out what it was. Shortly after the whole war, he had received a letter that Seifer had written, but hadn't sent; one of the cadets had found it on the battlefield near Lunatic Pandora and had given it to him.  
  
No one knew that Seifer had written it, but Squall kept it with him always, he pulled it out of his jacket pocket that he had sown in for just this reason, and opened the crinkled and worn paper that had begun to tear along the folds from so much handling.  
  
He let his eyes run over the words that were blurry in spots where the ink had run as if tears had fallen as it was being written.  
  
Dear Squall, I've so much I want to tell you, and so much that I can't, you know, who would of thought, that fateful day we crossed our gun blades and scarred each other that we would be holding the fate of the world between our hands, but you know I had to go on this ride, no two ways about it, you were meant to play the hero, and every hero needs a nemesis worthy of him. Only for you Squall would I play that part, though I would never tell you that.  
  
It's safe for me to write this here, you'll never see it, this is just for my sanity that I write this, so much in this world is fading fast for me, so much I can't see, so much taken away, I'm not who I was, nor what I can be any longer, SHE has taken care of that, this was not my dream, this was never my dream, yes I wanted to be a Knight, but for a worthy Sorceress. Not the one I serve now, she's not worthy, I pray you win this battle Squall; put me out of my misery. The things she does, it terrifies me. All those years when we were young and other's called you Leonheartless, they were wrong, they will never know what that means, but I've learned first hand. You Squall, you were never heartless.  
  
I never realized what I coward I was, until I was here with her, watching you from afar, why did I never tell you how I felt, why did I torment you, that is my greatest regret, not telling you of my feelings for you. And now I doubt I ever will. Well that and the way my dreams have been twisted and blown to the wind. Maybe you were right Squall not having a dream, dreaming hurts; it twists your heart and soul to watch your dreams shatter to dust. And she delights in that, in the pain of others. My pain! I'm loosing myself here and I fear that I'll never regain me again. But after all I've done do I even deserve to be myself again?  
  
My dreams are being tossed upon a shore of nothingness and I can't find it in me to fight for them anymore, for any of them. Yes I had another dream, one that I've never spoken aloud, not even to myself, it was you Squall, you were my other dream, but I gave you up to follow the other. I felt that I could never catch you, you were elusive, the mystical unicorn that The Matron used to read to us about, you were my unicorn Squall, a myth, a fantasy, and it was safer for me to leave you that way.  
  
So tell me, not that I actually expect you to, will you take my life Squall when it comes down to the wire, because I gotta tell you, I don't have the same fire in me anymore, it's been banked and SHE will be running my show, you'll have to do it, it would be a mercy killing. Don't worry, no one will mourn, hell I made it easy for others to hate me, reveling in it, the consummate Asshole who loved the power that fed off of others' fears the rush…the adrenaline it gave me. The one thing I would ask you for is to take care of Fujin and Raijin, they followed me into hell willingly and I wouldn't want to repay that loyalty with this horror that I'm living now. They were the only ones who ever really knew me and accepted me with all my faults. And for that I will always love them.  
  
You know If I were to get out of this alive I still would be dead, Seifer Almasy world enemy no.#1, would be dead, nothing left, maybe just a shell, a target for the rest of the world,. Yes Squall I can see the ending coming at me; rushing at me like a freight train, and I stand there with my arms wide open awaiting it like a long lost friend. If you ever think of me Squall, forgive my transgressions, and think of me kindly, give me that at least.  
  
You know I can't believe I just wrote this crap, this sentimental bullshit, why the hell did I do this, you're never going to see it. It's not like I'm going to go running out to the post office to mail it, and hell you would recognize the writing and probably throw it away unopened. I need to burn this; no one needs to see my weak drivel.  
  
With much regret and regard  
  
Seifer Almasy.  
  
Squall found himself re-reading it several times, feeling the emotions building in him that he had tried to keep down for so many years, the emotions that Rinoa wanted but couldn't bring forth.  
  
Seifer's words did this, and he feared he would never be the same either.  
  
~And now we're grown up orphans~  
  
~That never knew their names ~  
  
~We don't belong to no one ~  
  
~That's a shame~  
  
Squall sat there at the banquet that Laguna was giving all of them for saving the world, it was small affair, just a few dignitaries, and the rest of the Orphan Crew, that's what they had taken to calling themselves, the Orphan Crew, though Rinoa was included. She still continued her losing battle for his emotions.  
  
He looked at the others, Zell and his zaniness, Selphie and her exuberance, Irvine and his earthiness, and Quistis and her properness. Each had so many endearing qualities, he couldn't figure out why they followed him, when they could do so much better, he felt the fraud.  
  
They were slightly angry with him for not forgiving his father for his neglect; they had each pulled him aside to lecture him on having a father, on knowing his parentage, his family history. But he still felt like he didn't belong to Laguna. To him Laguna was a stranger, he felt no connection to the older man, he could see the resemblance and the DNA tests had come back conclusive, but it wasn't real to him. It was nothing…and the only one who would understand was not here, the only one that never had a family like him was Seifer.  
  
The others had had people adopt them before they went to their Gardens, and even though they didn't keep up with their adoptive families they still had had a family at one point. He never had and now he was supposed to open his arms wide open to a stranger who said he was his father. He didn't think so.  
  
As he sat there in the crowd he looked out a window and felt alone, so alone. He thought of Seifer, where was Seifer, what was he doing? What kind of life was he leading? He found himself thinking that there was so much he could talk to Seifer about and never realized it. He missed the taller blondes scathing comments about the stupidity or Irony of others around them.  
  
"Well puberty boy, see that fat man, he eats constantly but harps about the fact that he's fat and can't seem to loose weight, if he laid off several of the big meals he eats and got off his fat ass and worked out, hell just walking around would be considered a work out, he wouldn't have so much to complain about would he."  
  
"Shut up Seifer!"  
  
"That cadet has the hots for you, and she thinks you're into her, cause you space off while looking in her direction, you're an idiot Squall, I've told her you're a lost cause but hey, who am I to step into the path of true love..."  
  
"Shut up Seifer!"  
  
"Oh ho…it speaks, Garden to Squall, come in Squall, fuck one of these days Squall your gonna get lost in your head and won't find the way out, and I'm gonna laugh my ass off at you!"  
  
"Shut up Seifer!"  
  
All those conversations that really weren't conversations to others came back to him like long lost friends. Seifer could never abide stupidity, and he found that neither could he. The more he thought back the more he found they were alike in so many ways, and yet so different.  
  
In all honesty Seifer was the only one he really could talk to. Yes he had opened up with the whole Ultimecia fiasco, but still there were so many words inside him longing to come out and no one who he could share them with that he felt truly comfortable talking to.  
  
Seifer was the only one, had always been the only one, but it was too late now.  
  
~But if you could hide beside me~  
  
~Maybe for a while ~  
  
~And I won't tell no one your name~  
  
~And I won't tell em' your name~  
  
As he walked along the shore watching the waves crashing into the surf, he turned and looked at the lighthouse were he had played as a child. If he stayed still and silent he could almost hear children's voices haunting him; taunting with their presence. He closed his eyes and listened carefully.  
  
MATRON, Seifer is teasing me, make him stop…he's hitting me!!!  
  
Shut up baby chicobo, you even sound like one always crying, I'm gonna call you crybaby chicobo Zell"  
  
Squall wanna come play with Sephie and me, we're gonna play cowboys an injuns.  
  
You better not play there you could get hurt!  
  
Aww come on Quisty, you're not the boss of us you know.  
  
Hey Squall wanna play Knight and Dragon, I'm the Knight you gotta be the dragon I get to slay.  
  
Seifer's voice ringing the loudest in his memories, Seifer's always was the strongest, like a beacon in the night. There was so much he had forgotten could not recall, but those with Seifer stayed with him the strongest.  
  
If he could find Seifer, he would keep it to himself and share it with no one, he would watch from afar, not disturbing his life. After all that Seifer had been through it was the least he deserved.  
  
~And scars are souvenirs you never lose~  
  
~The past is never far ~  
  
~Did you lose yourself somewhere out there~  
  
~Did you get to be a star ~  
  
~And don't it make you sad to know that life~  
  
~Is more than who we are~  
  
He walked the streets of Dollet not seeing them as they were now, bustling with people going to and fro, running through their daily lives. He saw a tall scarred blonde, a smaller blonde with a tribal tattoo on his face and a scarred brunette, fighting Galbadian troops, on their SeeD exam, each trying to prove something to themselves, trying to achieve dreams.  
  
He rubbed the scar between his brows; there were times when he could feel the gun blade slice there over and over. It was his talisman, his prologue, the beginning of the end. Once he had been marked there was no going back, all events set into motion. Had Seifer known this in some way? The look on his face after he had done it, was not the look of the victorious, it wasn't the look of someone who was surprised by it either, it was a look of resignation, as if he knew how this was going to play out and had no other recourse but to play along.  
  
Seifer had always had to be the center of attention, no matter how he got it, by being good or being bad. But as he got older he chose the latter route more and more. Squall sat at a table near the fountain that they had stood at so long ago, that it seemed as if it had been a dream, He remembered the dog following Seifer and Seifer trying to chase him off, yet there had been a look of longing there as well. Seifer loved animals, though he hid it well. Squall remembered coming across Seifer outside of Garden nursing a sparrow with a broken wing and had been threatened with dire consequences if he let it be known. Seifer had used a cure on the bird and off it flew into the blue; happy with its life.  
  
But when all was said and done Seifer's life, his life were really nothing, not in the scheme of things; they were nothing just blips on a radar scanner, life was so much more than this, moments like grains of sand slipping through our fingers. It was saddening, and yet soothing, knowing that there was so much more to life then this stop in time. That what he did day by day; was just a drop in the bucket, that life comprised of all those around him, not just his own. Seifer must have known this, had come to this realization and fought it. Seifer wouldn't have liked knowing that what he did over all was just one rain drop out of many. His ego couldn't have born that, and so he followed the Sorceress. Squall could see so clearly now, what he had been blinded to before.  
  
~We grew up way too fast~  
  
~And now there's nothing to believe~  
  
~Reruns all become our history ~  
  
~A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio~  
  
~And I won't tell no one your name ~  
  
~And I won't tell em' your name ~  
  
~I won't tell em' your name~  
  
~Mmm, mmm, mmm,~  
  
~I won't tell em' your name… Ow!~  
  
As Squall sat on the park bench directly in front of where that fateful parade route had taken in Galbadia, he thought of the others, how they had each lost their childhood, how much they had missed out on. Especially he and Seifer; they had never been allowed to be children, not really. They were still children when thrust into fighting for their lives. When put into positions of authority, never asked if this was what they truly wanted.  
  
All the responsibility handed to them as if nothing. And now that the war was over, now what were they supposed to do? Which way were they supposed to turn? What were they supposed to believe in? They had carried the weight of the world on their shoulders and now were turned loose with no instructions, how were they supposed to live now.  
  
He had no answers, though they turned to him as if he did. Seifer would have told him to forget it, tell them to make their own decisions. He could hear Seifer's voice telling him to live life for the moment, forget about the past and look to the future. He couldn't change the past, but maybe just maybe he could do something for the future.  
  
Seifer had been seen in a small village outside of Esther. Laguna had sent him the report, though had done nothing to alert Seifer of their watching him. Squall had not told the others, not wanting to hear what they had to say; whether it be good or bad. He didn't want to hear it. He was going to see Seifer, alone. For once he was glad that Laguna was his dad and could help him with this. Laguna asked no questions, wanted to be of help only. To be a part of Squall's life however small. Squall could feel himself softening towards the older man.  
  
~I think about you all the time~  
  
~But I don't need the same ~  
  
~It's lonely where you are come back down,~  
  
~And I won't tell em your name~  
  
He stood on a cliff over looking a small village, people walking around conducting business, children playing and laughing. Squall couldn't believe the one he had been searching for, for so long was here, doing a job that Laguna had originally done in Winhill so many years before. But wait Seifer Almasy was dead, the official reports had him buried in Balamb, and only those from the Orphan Crew and Seifer's only two true friends had shown up for the funeral. Compliments of the President of Esthar.  
  
None were the wiser that body within the casket was a nameless, faceless blonde transient who had had nothing in life but had received much in death: a beautiful headstone and oak casket with Red velvet trim and on the top a red Fire Cross. Seifer's beloved symbol. There were those who felt that he had not deserved anything but a tossing into the sea. And those that felt that even that was too good for the Sorceress's Knight. But the Gardens' cared for their own, and Seifer had been their native son, their best and brightest at one point.  
  
Squall sat and watched Alain Masy play with the village children chasing them as if he were a monster. The children laughed and squealed and their parents smiled in appreciation for the one who brought their children laughter. Alain was accepted as a part of their own, he had become one of them. No one asked his history, but could see he had lived a lifetime of misery in his short lifespan. It was there in his eyes, the haunting sad eyes of one who had seen and done too much. He was kind to children and animals and worked hard and diligently; never causing trouble for anyone.  
  
Squall sat there alone, he had decided that he wouldn't bother Alain, he was content with his life and he deserved some happiness. It wouldn't be right to attempt to drag him away from this, into some unforeseen future where he would struggle everyday. Alain had grown and so had he, Squall had grown so much he wasn't the same anymore. He doubted any of the people who had survived Ultimecia were the same; they had all lost parts of themselves. He sat there on the hill until sunset when he felt a presence to the left of him. He looked over and saw a scarred blonde, with long hair, pulled back into a rubber band, a gaunt look to him as if he had been sick and lost weight. The blonde's shoulders were slightly hunched as if he carried a terrible burden. He sat there and looked at the other man, a boy no longer.  
  
"Hello Squall."  
  
"Hello Seifer." 


End file.
